I am a bad friend
Here is the honest-to-god truth about me:
I am one of the worst friends you will ever have.
No, I am not saying this to be self-deprecating but it is the truth.
In my eyes, I have a lot of people I care about that come and go in my life. I spend a lot of time with some at times, then will not be around for a while. Some of my best friends haven’t talked to me in years, and it is not intentional.
I know not everyone is wired that way, and they need the human interaction and time to hang out. They want you to be at their birthday parties, weddings, and for you to be there for them.
I cannot be that person for you. Today I have three friends who have birthdays and throwing parties, and I am going to none of them. I wish I could be at all three at once, and I would have to pick who to exclude, and I don’t want to do that.
We will have life-changing conversations together, and I will disappear. You can know for damn sure that if you ever needed help with anything or someone to talk to, I will be there, but most times I will be floating around somewhere in the world physically and mentally.
Despite me being rather outgoing and social, I am very introverted. I would rather hang out with my cat and read a book vs. going to some social activity. I’d rather take you to my favorite hidden bookstore in Williamsburg with just you as opposed to going to some meetup.
I have this dire curiosity in art and design. There are some curiosities that I need to explore and that means making time to explore it. Some call it “work”, but it is my passion and my life, and I’d rather die than not be able to do it. Exploring and experimenting is what makes me smile. The creative curiosity is outside of work and in just life in general.
There is only so much time in a day and I need to focus. The focus comes with a lot of sacrifice too. I cannot tell you how many conversations with people I have on a daily basis about not feeling close with me anymore because we haven’t hung out, but I am literally in a different city every other week. I have made a life where I don’t have much time, and every moment counts.
In my mind, that makes friendships so much more special. I remember seeing a friend at SFO, we we barely had time to talk. There was only time for a quick hug. Quality of time is what I seek, not quantity.
I have to be honest that today I have felt sad (in a very long time) because in my mind I feel like I am close with people but they do not feel the same because of the lack of time I spend with them.
I am an emotional person. There is a lot of people I care about, love, and would do anything for to make them feel special. However, I am not sensitive.
If you feel that way, my recommendation to you would be to stay away from me because you will simply get hurt or be very disappointed with your expectations.
I simply don’t know how to respond anymore.