I want to be clear that feeling depress and being depressed (in my mind) are two different things. I’m not even sure why I always feel sad around this time, as people are usually happy because of Christmas and New Years. I love the cold weather so that does not bother me.
I think what gets me is that it is the end of the year and time to reflect. Often I think about any failures I’ve had. Even though I have a lot of successes throughout the course of the year, it is the failures that really get to me.
I can accept failure, but that does not mean I have to like it or enjoy it.
One goal I had was to get my own app in the Apple App Store. It didn’t happen. Not because anything got rejected but that I did not submit anything. It kills me inside that I easily could have done something but didn’t focus enough to make it happen.
The other thing that gets to me is that I am getting older, and feel like I’m running out of time. For some reason I’ve never pictured myself growing old, so in the back of my mind I feel like I have much less time than I may have. Losing my best friend at the age of 26 (a few years ago) also changed me too. It made me realize my mortality. It has been a blessing in disguise because I definitely try not to waste my time on this Earth as much anymore.
My birthday is also in this month, on the 31st. I absolutely hate it. The reason I hate it is because everyone always has plans and huge expectations, when I just want to do something simple. I can’t remember the last time I had a good birthday. Maybe when I was 9 years old and all we did was play with action figures and eat cake. I hate my birthday and wish that week just skips and jumps into the following year.
The last thing that depresses me is isolation. I will be the first to admit that’s often self-inflicted. I would describe myself as a person who is often “alone” but not “lonely”. I am very comfortable with being by myself and really do my best work and am at peace then. However, there are times where it just sucks…mainly during the winter I suppose.
I am one of my few friends left who are still single. I really am content with it because I can do whatever I want, but it often gets frustrating. I either have friends who are SUPER single and constantly go on OK Cupid dates (I am against online dating personally…can’t do it) or out to the bars to do OK Cupidy things. The other group of friends are the ones that are married and want to do couple-type things. I do appreciate them inviting me to stuff like that but it gets tiring being a 3rd, 5th, or (at times) 7th wheel. I think I would rather travel by myself than go travel with some married couple.
I also love how all these girls with boyfriends want me to be friends with them. I’m sorry but that sounds like the worst thing ever for a single guy. There are of course exceptions, but usually they are the S.O. of a good friend, so it makes more sense.
It also sucks to explain to your relatives why you aren’t married yet and your brother is already. It’s not that I feel forced to. I would have loved to by this time but it hasn’t panned out that way. I’m in no rush and would rather seize the right opportunity for the right reason.
I’m not seeking a relationship but some sort of companionship, and it seems like I am in the middle of both my groups of friends. All I really want to do is go travel, read, work on designs, and take photos. None of my friends seem to be able to do that. The two problems are usually they either don’t have money to travel or the time to take off to go do so.
Again, this happens every year, so don’t worry about it. I think it’s just good to let all this out once in a while and feel refreshed in the New Year.
I need to try to formulate this into positive energy. Feeling depressed is something that just happens to people, and I’ll get over it and not let it affect me too much. It is not all bad though! I am working on some amazing design projects with some really cool people and am really thankful for that.
I can’t stress enough how not-big-of-a-deal this is. I’m a person that just needs time alone (ironic?) to get over things like this. I do believe all my thoughts and emotions are colliding at the end of the calendar and this is why it always happens.
Once I get over this I’ll be pretty motivated for 2013.